I don’t feel sad as much as I thought I would everytime I remember you.  Because of my distance to the places we shared I can pretend most of the time that you’re just there, far away, so I don’t see you often.  I can act like you’re still living the life you always led, happy and content with the simplest things life has to offer.  But during the times I realize I will never see you again my heart breaks like it would never truly heal.  Even if I know I have given you all my love I still wish we had been given more time.

Even if I know you knew I loved you like my own father, and still do, I still wish we had been given more time.  More time to do the things we used to do.  I miss shooting with you.  I miss drinking alcohol with you.  I miss eating my favorite dishes that you prepare especially for me.  I miss everything about you.  Though we never had serious talks about life, I will never forget that you were there when I most needed you.  During the time when I thought I had no one, I had you.  When I felt I was alone and no one believed in me, your faith never wavered.  You believed in me when no one would.  You held strong, and just believed without any need for evidence or reason.

Maybe if you hadn’t been so full of life and mischief I will not hurt so much.  But your eyes were always twinkling with random tricks, your mouth always curved in that knowing smile.

I spent entire summers in your house and I felt home.  I remember we would sit outside and you’d teach me to yell out silly things to your friends who pass by the house.  No one ever complained or got mad at me.  They knew it was you who taught me.  I would sleep in another room and would wake up early in the morning, just like I did at my own house.  I would knock at your room and I would curl up beside you in bed, just like I did with papa.  And you would hold me close to you and let me sleep again, just like papa.  You held me and loved me like I was your own.

I remember when you would tease me about the nuns in my catholic school not wearing any underwear.  I was around ten then, and didn’t quite get the joke.  I laugh about that now.  And I wish you could tell that joke over and over again.  You were quite the jester, and a room is always brighter when you were around.  I remember when you would relive your exploits in your catholic high school, when you would jump over the fence and the priests caught you and you gave them a different name, so they went around the whole school looking for that student they caught and never realized it was you.  I remember you taught my kid sister the same trick to do because she went to that same school, which was funnier because she was just in grade school.

I remember you and papa would take me target shooting.  You both taught me about guns and how to shoot.  I never disappointed you there, and you were so proud of me hitting my targets like a pro.  I remember you taught me how to use the Batangueno knife, and the nunchucks.  I always tried to be less of a girl’s girl because you and papa were so much fun to be around.  I didn’t want you men to exclude me in your fun.  And you never did.

I remember you the day you found out some guy hit my bike on purpose to get attention as I was going around town.  I kept if from you but you found out anyway.  You were well connected like that.  And I remember sitting with you outside, wishing he wouldn’t pass by as I was almost sure you would teach him a lesson by beating him up.  Ever the protector, I knew you would easily kill for me.  You loved me that much.

You were so fun, so full of life and its goodness, so strong and happy, that when I saw you in that box, still and unmoving, I felt my gut being wrenched from my own body.  And it was a numbing pain that tore my mind and soul.  After you have been sick for some time, I knew deep in my heart that it would happen, but nothing could prepare me for that sight of you, motionless and lifeless.  I could have given up my own life just to see you grin at me again in your special way.  To do all the things you used to do, and to live to protect the people we both love.

But I knew you admired my strength.  I knew you wanted me to be strong that day we brought you to the hospital and you realized I was the only one brave enough to come to the ER with you.  I held your hand and joked with you when I was really so scared.  You must have known that, because when we were all up in the room you told them all I was the only brave person in the party to go inside the ER.  You were so proud of me, as you always were.  As I guess you forever will be.  Even if I screw up so badly, you will find your own reason to still believe in what I am and what I can do.  Because you love me.

During your funeral I was a mess, but I had to be strong for your mom, our beloved Mama Ding.  I passed by papa in the hallway and we looked at each other for a moment, and he and I both wavered for a moment.  I wanted so much to just run to him for comfort, but I knew he needed comforting himself, so I just nodded and made him believe I was fine.  Inside I was crying.  I would have bawled and cursed the heavens and just shot the people who were there to take you away, but I held on and stood strong because I knew that was what you would have wanted.  I should take care of the people who were not as strong as I was, the people who we both love and who were all in so much grief because we finally had to say goodbye to you.  So I told you silently that I loved you, said a prayer for you and kissed your casket goodbye like a good girl.  Inside I was dying.

And now that you’re not here anymore, I guess I should feel less protected.  But somehow I know you’re still looking out for me.  I know it’s cliche and you might be laughing your ass off right now at the mess I am again while writing this, but I find comfort in the fact that you can see me.  It means you’re still here, somehow, with me.  Sometimes when the tears come I can almost see you laughing at me because I am being such a sissy missing you like this.  Other times when I cry, I can picture you sitting there, and looking at me with all your love and understanding, because you miss me as much as I miss you.  And if you do, then you must feel all this hurt and pain and love that I have for you that will never go away.

Hold my hand and embrace me while I cry for all that I have lost when I lost you.  And then sit back and enjoy the view while I live the rest of my life fully, as I am sure you want me to.  And know I live it more happily because I have known you, because I was loved by you.

Wherever you are, I want you to know that you are remembered, you are missed, you are loved. Happy birthday.

Little did I know I was the one whose faith needed a little reinforcing.  He just listened without prejudice and without judgment.  And he listened to all that I said and all that I felt.  God, I miss talking to him like that.  Talking to someone who  I know doesn’t care what all the others say.  One who will not try to look between the lines, but will find what needs to be found nonetheless.  He who had always only had to look at me and know that there is something brewing beneath the surface of the calm and aloof facade.  He who could read me like a worn book that he has read a thousand times over.

I looked at him, a foot away, and just wanted to hug him and say it will all be okay, but that was never our style.  Just a hug would have been more okay, I guess.  We never said ‘it will be ok’.  We both know it will be.  Guess we’re both just strong like that.  Months ago I wanted to be his rock, but what I was keeping made it impossible.  It would be unthinkable to be there, without him finding out why I wanted to be.  Because he can see right through me.  Always have, and always will.

I wish I could have just stood back and then hear from him that everything was over.  But I had to be there in the scene that would most break his heart.  Why, after all these years, should this scene be necessary?  I sat back as I listened to the things that proved the person an unworthy recipient of her once most coveted attention.  And I am glad it is over.  And if the truth is what cements that wall to keep him from being hurt by the same person again, I will gladly mix it, and then build it – tall and strong and imposing.  Because that’s the kind of friend I am.  It probably had to  be crow-barred from under me, but when he asked for it, there was nothing I wanted to do more than save him from a possible lifetime of bullshit.  Because he deserves better.

It’s amazing enough that I managed to hold back unkind thoughts in order to be supportive.  And it’s even more amazing that I was right all along.  I didn’t want to be right!  I hoped to God I was wrong and just being overly protective of someone who once had been my rock.  I wanted to be the friend who said “ok, do your thing, you’ll be fine”.  But God knows what happens in the back of this over active mind.

And God knows how hard it is keeping things from him.  Distance had finally become my friend.  But standing face to face with him just blows my cover.  Something like playing undercover detective with a hot pink feather boa around my neck.  If I think about it hard enough, I can roll over the floor just laughing.  Me, keep something from him?  Hilarious.  Freaking punch-me-on-the-stomach-and-then-kill-me-when-that’s-over hilarious.  The next time I want to keep a secret from him, I should just leave the country and live in a cave.  Since I am picky with food, I guess I’ll just opt for honesty instead.  There will only be truth between us.

And I know, somehow, that some shit will come to me after this.  In fact there were some that he told me about, of course from her thoughts.  And it’s not new shit.  We’ve dealt with this shit before.  It’s the least of its kind, and it’s the kind that’s now funny to us.  So laugh we did, and laugh we will.

It’s complicated.  Just like always.  And from us, I guess it’s nothing more or less than what is expected.  That’s our style.  Not that we asked for it.  For some reason, it just always happens that way.  We made “complicated” in style even before friendster thought of it as a fitting relationship status.  Not because it was that way for us, but because it was that way for many.  And God knows how much we think of what they think.  That just may be our most similar and proudest accomplishment together, I guess.  Just taking it all in and smiling like we know something they don’t about what’s really there.  Because we fucking do.  And if they don’t get it, then my God we will not try to explain.

I watched his heart breaking, but I looked into his eyes and saw that same old spark that has made him the man he is.  I watched him shout to the heavens and tell them through another man’s words how they should all go to hell because he will live, and he will live fully.  I watched him walk onstage ready for words that will, at least for some moments, take some of the pain away.

I watched as they all watched.  I saw him, just as the crowd saw him, but somehow I looked at him differently.  I know him too much to see the same thing they see.  I know him too much not to see what he doesn’t want them to see.

He’s not just standing there.

He’s still standing there, tall and proud and strong.

I was still sitting there, small and ever-present.

Against all odds.

Just like old times.

All haters be damned.

My latest trip home is one of great anticipation, however.  Because I now work at home I get to spend a long time with my family, for as long as I’m online I can practically do my job anywhere.

When this happens the journey home is usually taken for granted.  I take a taxi from my Manila apartment to the airport, then get through the baggage check ins, security measures, waiting in the boarding area, boarding the plane, having my usual coffee on board, and doing what I can to pass the 45 minute flight home.

This time, however, it was exciting.  Maybe because for the first time I was travelling with my mom and Don, or maybe because I was looking forward to over a month of holiday vacation spent in my own childhood memory lane.  It also helped that on board that flight last Sunday, I sat and saw the most beautiful of sunrises I have ever seen while on a plane.  See for yourself below and get a little of the beauty I saw while waiting to see more beauty as our plane touched down the Roxas City runway.

And what better way to top it off but with a beachside dinner at my childhood favorite Marc’s Beach Resort, eating my most missed food of all while in Manila: their incomparable pork barbeque and fried rice with fried liver!  And yes, those are waves crashing on the shore that you can see near the horizon… a perfect sunset to match that perfect sunrise.  What better ways to view them but on a plane and then at the beach?  My life is so precious right now, I am humbled.

This could be my best Christmas yet. 

And you made me believe.

I was content to cajole, to sneer, when faced with things I felt were so hard to believe in.  I like you, I like being with you.  I am  happy when we’re together.  They were all just lines for a fool when you came along.  I’ve heard them thrown at me so many times, and so carelessly, they had come to mean nothing.  At best, they were considered mere efforts to get to somewhere they want to be.  Words that were always met with a suspicious glance and a cautious stare.  And with good reason too.

I was satisfied with the way things were going, until you came tumbling down the straight path I was trying to walk.  It was a familiar path, safe and sure, one that wouldn’t lead to hurt and anger yet again.  Meaningless and worthless, but also without the risks of endangering the heart.  Sometimes one just tires of the cycle.  Giving another a chance and waking up one morning to have that privilege thrown back at you, only because you gave it so freely and readily.  The workings of another’s minds one can always wish to read, but can never force to understand.

I had planned on staying on the course to freedom from pain at last, and you became my crossroad.  You were a surprising bend in the road that was inevitable but very avoidable.  Until now I don’t know why I chose to take that road to you.  Until now I don’t know what I did right to have been given that chance to choose again, when I clearly made it clear I will have nothing down that path for a long time.  It does work in mysterious ways, doesn’t it?

And just when I thought I was safe from all the pain, I found myself clinging to the thought that maybe, just maybe, it will be different this time.

I found I still had hope locked up in the very depths of my soul, if I just found enough strength to look.  I found I still had an urge to love and be loved, even after all the time I had denied the opportunity for fear of getting lost in the pain all over again.  I  found I had enough strength to move on.

I found all the things I thought I had lost along the bumpy way.  It wasn’t easy, but I am stronger for it somehow.  It wasn’t an ideal one, but I here I am still standing.  I found I had enough optimism to wish there might be a brighter future laying ahead.

I found I had a need to care for someone again, and be cared for.

I found someone to love and be loved by.

I found you.

And never had I discovered such a treasure until you.

You strolled in, fast and sure, burning the bridges behind you, breaking down walls in front of you, and stood your ground strong, huge and looming, until I relented to let you stay…

Just a little bit, I thought.

Not forever.

Forever?  I had smirked at that word for so long, it was as much a fantasy in my mind then as a doomed frog prince fairy tale.  One which only the naive and young and witless can conjure out of their innocent and ignorant minds.  They have never been to hell and back with a heartache.  I’ve been there.  I was mayor of that area for sometime, and was pretty good at it too.  So excuse me for not being so open and welcoming, but I’ve always fancied myself clever, as I learn fast and well.

Which is exactly why I felt just a tad stupid when you held on longer than I imagined.  But you were fun to be around, even when you weren’t really there.  Of course, those should be the times when I would go back to early girlie daydreaming instead of doing the honest, fair and unbiased analysis of the true facts, as the scientist in me should have done.

But no, the dreamer had to set in, years after I thought it had long gone.  For how many times was I yet to lose, before I could finally win?  I had settled for being okay the way I was.  Not blissfully happy, but not hurting either.  I was okay.  How are you?  “I’m okay.”  There’s an honest reply.  No hassles, no frills, no complications.

I had built a fortress around my heart, how did you even get through that?  I had built it so strong, some had called me the ice queen.  I could have passed for a man if they would only look through the female exterior into what’s inside.  I was jaded and hardened.

I would smile at silly passes when I like the man making them.  I would be so cruel as to laugh to their faces when I feel so insulted as to have been made a recipient of a super stupid one.  Silly is one thing, but moronic lines make me lose my temper and insult my intelligence.  And neither drinks nor cigarettes in a bar can placate that.

Yet you stood there and said nothing, and slowly the ice around my heart began to melt.  Silly lines and stupid passes I can take, but not forebearing and honest silence.  It was as foreign to me then as a good man.  And you were that and more.  And still are.  And if God can  bless me more than  he has, and the world too, you will be for always.

You broke down my walls and braved through the thunderstorm that is my disposition.  You chipped off every bit of ice around my heart so I could feel you, walking unwaveringly certain through the mist and rain.  At no time at all I was dancing over rainbows and wishing on falling stars, and singing happy tunes and dancing to the rhythm of the beat of my heart.  I lived, fully again, because you made me want to.

You ruined my life and kept me from falling head first and heartlessly into a safe but worthless oblivion.

You ruined my life and gave me one that was worth living.

You ruined my life, and gave it back to me.  With all the broken pieces healed completely.  As I had needed, and never thought I wanted.

You ruined my life and saved me.