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You’ve ruined my life.

You strolled in, fast and sure, burning the bridges behind you, breaking down walls in front of you, and stood your ground strong, huge and looming, until I relented to let you stay…

Just a little bit, I thought.

Not forever.

Forever?  I had smirked at that word for so long, it was as much a fantasy in my mind then as a doomed frog prince fairy tale.  One which only the naive and young and witless can conjure out of their innocent and ignorant minds.  They have never been to hell and back with a heartache.  I’ve been there.  I was mayor of that area for sometime, and was pretty good at it too.  So excuse me for not being so open and welcoming, but I’ve always fancied myself clever, as I learn fast and well.

Which is exactly why I felt just a tad stupid when you held on longer than I imagined.  But you were fun to be around, even when you weren’t really there.  Of course, those should be the times when I would go back to early girlie daydreaming instead of doing the honest, fair and unbiased analysis of the true facts, as the scientist in me should have done.

But no, the dreamer had to set in, years after I thought it had long gone.  For how many times was I yet to lose, before I could finally win?  I had settled for being okay the way I was.  Not blissfully happy, but not hurting either.  I was okay.  How are you?  “I’m okay.”  There’s an honest reply.  No hassles, no frills, no complications.

I had built a fortress around my heart, how did you even get through that?  I had built it so strong, some had called me the ice queen.  I could have passed for a man if they would only look through the female exterior into what’s inside.  I was jaded and hardened.

I would smile at silly passes when I like the man making them.  I would be so cruel as to laugh to their faces when I feel so insulted as to have been made a recipient of a super stupid one.  Silly is one thing, but moronic lines make me lose my temper and insult my intelligence.  And neither drinks nor cigarettes in a bar can placate that.

Yet you stood there and said nothing, and slowly the ice around my heart began to melt.  Silly lines and stupid passes I can take, but not forebearing and honest silence.  It was as foreign to me then as a good man.  And you were that and more.  And still are.  And if God can  bless me more than  he has, and the world too, you will be for always.

You broke down my walls and braved through the thunderstorm that is my disposition.  You chipped off every bit of ice around my heart so I could feel you, walking unwaveringly certain through the mist and rain.  At no time at all I was dancing over rainbows and wishing on falling stars, and singing happy tunes and dancing to the rhythm of the beat of my heart.  I lived, fully again, because you made me want to.

You ruined my life and kept me from falling head first and heartlessly into a safe but worthless oblivion.

You ruined my life and gave me one that was worth living.

You ruined my life, and gave it back to me.  With all the broken pieces healed completely.  As I had needed, and never thought I wanted.

You ruined my life and saved me.

~ by Thea on December 5, 2008.